I wish that I had started writing to you earlier. And this wish is not to eliminate a general plaintive cry over lost time. Why the wish? I could have written earlier to form a different, possibly more enduring connection to you. I did not. But I start now.

Please know that I now write without complete knowledge and confidence. I intend these words to convey both my endless love for you and possibly similar emotions, thoughts, dreams, and fears, many of which were present earlier in my life and some of which still find a home in my own self today. Take what you will but, at least, take my love and hope that you will find a path through life that affords you that which you desire and need.

I wish that I could be me at thirteen years of age, with the full measure of all that comes with such a challenging point in one’s life. With such, I could perhaps be of more use to you. Now, I have only memories that I can grasp, never fully knowing if they reveal the truth or simply faded or concocted recollections.

So how can I help, beyond being there for you, for the hugs, the cries, the fights and life’s time spent together?

In many ways, I see so much of myself in you. For anything good about me, you amplify it in such glorious ways. For anything that is dark, full of doubt and despair, of negativity, you have seemingly absorbed and made your own. I do not know if it is worse. To claim such accomplishment is not desired, for either of us.

Your Goodness

Your good is not solely defined by me. Yes, we all take in so much from those who come before, but I see your uniqueness: a kindness and openness in your soul that, combined, enable you to form authentic, respectful, and truly kind connections with others. The world needs more of what you have and offer up. There are times when I see you interact with others and I am at a loss for words, in awe of such deep human love you have inside of you, and that you are willing to share with others. May you never lose this part of yourself. Always remember that this truly is a superpower of yours.

Connected is your willingness to share. I am closed to the world, mostly. To share what is inside of me is always a seemingly insurmountable struggle. For you, it flows, mostly. In this, you live a very much different experience than mine. The boundless, sometimes uncontrolled emotions roil you, but now, at thirteen years of age, they never consume you. Almost effortlessly, you maturely process – and yes, often, in the beginning, with a torment of anger, frustration, or sadness – and, just as important, communicate. In my relationships, I fail at communication in so many horrible ways: silence, opaqueness, brevity, and incompleteness. Effective communication with one’s self and with others unlocks power, happiness, love, support, and deep connection. Your emotional strength and maturity are what form a strong, resilient foundation for your life. This is also another superpower. May you use it well, and may you foster it, grow it, and never let it diminish into nothing but a shadow.

My Own Challenges

Darkness

I do not know when I turned so dark inside. I cannot remember the inception and the journey in all facets and dimensions. But I have lived with darkness for much of my adult life. I do not say that I am distinguished by this: we each live our lives almost completely alone, and to say that one is unique is to make an impossibly proven assertion. I do say that, with more years, more life, and a family who I love and who loves me, the darkness more readily subsides to the fringes of my existence, only brought forth to black clarity

What is the point of it all? What is the point and purpose of my life? Why do when there is not an answer? How can others do when there is no real answer? Why should I do when others can do better?

There are more questions. Acknowledge them. But carefully pick the ones you will seek to answer. Oh, the time wasted! A mind endlessly twisting notions of fear and doubt into answers that could only still ever be incorrect. I do not seek to invalidate you. But why not ask another question: can we not build ourselves better if we can also destroy ourselves as well?

The road of life does not always have to be so dark.

Inertia

I pride myself on my work ethic, but I work at what comes relatively easy for me. There, I said it. It is easier for me to write code than it is easier for me to write the requirements for said code. It is easier for me to do the pitch off the cuff than it is to form a polished presentation. It is easier for me to lead with empathy than it is for me to lead with purpose and direction. I do not intend to diminish all that I have accomplished in my life, and I do not proclaim with certainty that I would have accomplished more given a different approach.

But it is in the hard things that we find our growth and, I believe, often, but not always, our true purpose, love, and our happiness.

Yes, you are thirteen. I do not seek non-stop work for you. Nor a particular focus on your goals such that you become blind to what else life has in its coffers for us all. You do have talents that could be pursued to fruitful ends and that, as far as I can tell, deliver joy to you. But talent alone is not enough. Remember: hard work and dedication to purpose are almost always required.

Distraction

I do not blame solely the world of today. There is too much temptation and opportunities for distraction. You do what I do: I cannot focus, for example, on this writing for too much time without skipping over to a browser for some mindless, purposeless perusing of the Internet. I just did it! And yet, this is one thing that I constantly bemoan about you. Yes, sometimes a distraction of the mind is necessary and helpful. But when we are distracted so much that our hard work is never done, our goals never met, and progress towards growth never realized, then we run the risk of the negative feelings that come from stagnation and, worse, the recognition that we indeed have wasted precious moments.

Why I write now is as much about forming a new, more bountiful path together, but, through this motion, showing that one can still do, make progress, and fail all along that way, even so. Why I write now is because “why not?” This is a conversation with myself, at least, and hopefully, with you as well; both equally important. Beyond that, I do not care.

Silence

As stated before, this is not a challenge of yours. It is of mine. Silence can be useful and important. But too much of it leads to confusion, frustration, and detachment. And if the silence is born from staying in one’s self, one can expect to be alone. Again, there are times when this is fine. But I write this as a possible guardrail for your life: be true to those moments when silence is needed or required, but strive for connection through action, a voice, and a sharing of your thoughts, desires, fears, and hopes. A connected life is a stronger life.

Wisdom

I wish that I could provide some. Perhaps I will all along this journey together. Concocted and espoused quite easily, wisdom is easy to share but hard to absorb and use. I believe wisdom’s lessons, derived from the past, and often difficult to prescribe to the present and future, especially as each of us truly lives inside our minds as much as anything else. But if there is wisdom to be found and used, let us embrace it, and share it.

I love you, my son. I am here for you, and I know that you are likewise here for me.